Russian Word of the Day

  • present = padarak

Saturday, August 2, 2008

New York, New York...And Invisible Pregnancy Angst

Sing with me now-
"If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. It's up to you... New York, New York!"
Yup, we are out of translation and our precious bundle of paperwork has safely landed on the desk of a hard working official at the Kazakhstani Consulate in the big apple.

And now... we wait.
And wait.
And Wait.


Until we can't stand any more waiting and find ourselves loving stroking the baby pajamas at Target and spending the evenings checking and rechecking the e-mail to see if maybe by some happy accident our dossier got sent out 3 months early. O.K. It won't happen, I know that. But, I'm definitely starting to get edgy. Here the rub. I miss my baby and I don't even know if he's been born yet. Isn't that weird? Not knowing if your child has been born? It is. It is so weird. And I'm finding that I want to talk about him, like he already exists, like he's already mine and that we just have to meet to make it final, which is true, in a way, but it's the immediacy of the connection that gets me. In a way, it is so much like being pregnant, because I think about him all the time, just like I did when I was pregnant with Cal. But being pregnant was easier in that respect because I had a physical connection to match the emotional one. This time I don't have the luxury of rubbing a gigantic belly to tell my little one that I love him. I just have to wait and know that I'm doing everything possible to get to him as soon as I can. I have to remind myself that from the moment he's mine, I'll love him every second for the rest of his life.. and I have to try to believe that's enough.
The other frustrating aspect of this invisible pregnancy of mine, is that even though I want to shout it from the rooftops, no one knows I'm having a baby. I hate that. I want everyone to know, to coo, to fawn, to ask questions about this amazing little person I haven't yet met... but they don't. In all fairness, I can't possibly expect the cashier at Safeway to celebrate my growing family, but can't help but feel a touch of sadness and maybe even bitterness that people closer to my life than that can't seem to remember that we've got a baby on the way. Don't worry, I'm not talking about any of you. Those oblivious, but possible well-meaning people would never think to check this blog... Maybe I should start wearing one of those fake "pregnancy bellies." My love to all of you. Paka.


Caro K said...

Oh Bec! I'm thinking of you and your child every day. I have this vision that your thoughts and prayers for him (and all of ours, joined) are a kind of umbilical cord, nourishing the connection between us, drawing him nearer. That is, the heart is the true womb.

On the brass tacks and spats level of things, you know what I think could cure invisible pregnancy angst (besides arrival of a certain certified letter)? A baby shower! Let's talk, shall we?

Love you so so so

lkkk3847 said...

This note is long over due and I am really glad to read your newest blog because I wanted to say this...
I think about little Garrett all the time. I see a little guy at the store and I think will Garrett look like him? I see a Mom with two little ones and I think soon, soon. I especially think of him when I see our little Calvin playing on the swings and think how fun it will be for him to have a little buddy.
My Russian is coming along horribly, but I believe that Cal will be much better then I at it!

In a few months the weight of the paperwork will turn into a lovely little bundle that will smile and laugh. Years from know we will know that all you have done to get to New York was worth the rushing from San Francisco to Sacramento.

Waiting has never been one of my strong points, but he (perhaps she) will be worth every moment.

Waiting, waiting and loving from a far...

Nee chee voo

I love you all so much!