Russian Word of the Day

  • present = padarak

Monday, April 6, 2009

The list

Day 27
As much as I miss all of you dear ones, my heart is honestly breaking a little at the thought of leaving Kokshetau in less than a week. This has been such an amazing moment in my life, the culmination of so much work. Tim and I planned and hoped and scrimped and saved for about a year and a half to get here. We dreamed for even longer. We had setbacks and sleepless night. We had moments of absolute euphoria. We spent weeks waiting for the mail, in hopes of receiving a dossier document. We read e-mails that doused us in the cold, dumbing fear that we might never make it to our baby. It was a year and a half of constant striving against invisible boundries that kept us from the child we knew was waiting for us.

It was a hard road and I'm so glad to be at the end of it, but I'm finding that it is harder to let go of the anxiety of those preparations than I thought it would be. Like a dog who runs even in its sleep, or a graduate who worries about forgotten homework, my heart still clenches with the anxiety of the adoption paperchase. But it is time now to let go of that anxiety, to accept that I don't have to struggle so much any more, to relax.

To that end, I am dedicating myself to transitioning from stressed out Prospective Adoptive Parent to contented mother of two beautiful, thriving boys. I have so much to be proud of and even more to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my boys, both of them... even when they throw up on me or won't take naps or spill glasses of Kazakh cherry juice precariously close to my computer. Being Calvin and Garrett's mother is the greatest gift in my life and there are no lengths I wouldn't go to for the love of my boys.
I am thankful for my husband who has worked countless hours and laid in bed wide awake trying to figure out how he was going to bring his whole family together. He is an amazing man, a wonderful partner, and a devoted dad. I am so lucky he found me in the lunchroom that fall day in 1998. I don't know where I would be without him.
I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends, all of you. You have supported us and welcomed Garrett with the triumphant fanfare that many bio babies don't even receive. A special thanks to my parents, of course. Nana is that "third arm" every mother wishes that she had. She is the reason we were able to bring Calvin along on this amazing adventure. She and my dad have done more than I could ever say to bring Garrett home. I'm not sure that we could have made it here without them. They are, and always have been, wonderful parents and I only hope that I can do as good a job with my boys.
I am thankful for the hardworking caregivers in the babyhouse in Schuchinsk. They do so much with so little. Even though tiles fall off the walls and the plumbing backs up, those wonderful women keep the babyhouse emaculately clean, warm, and inviting for the little souls who live there. They don't just care for the kids, they honestly love them. I am amazed every day by their capacity for love. The children at this orphanage are kissed and cuddled and tickled and sung to. Garrett smiles and gurgles with happiness when they hold him. (I try not to be jealous. I'll have my turn.) Here is a picture of Garrett with his favorite caregiver.

Speaking of which, as he was back on his game... here are pictures of my youngest son from this morning. He zoomed around the room in this little walker! Enjoy.



Jodi said...

You write beautifully; your happiness and thankfulness come across loud and clear and bring tears to my eyes even though I don't know you! Congratulations on how far you have come and best wishes for a wonderful life as a family of four.

Incredibly lucky and proud mom to Owen, born in Kokshetau

The Gobble's (Lanetta) said...

Great post!!!!! You give those of us behind you hope... your boys are precious!!! :-)

Vonne Barnett said...

I look forward to reading your blog each morning. I have been praying that the little boy Sasha find a forever family. We hope to travel this summer to Kaz for our adoption trip. Vonne Barnett

Dean and Janie said...

Beautifully said Becca. Thank you for sharing. What a wonderful group of people we have found in this "community".

Dean and Janie

Sam, Ryan, and Gabby said...

Your post made me teary eyed, it really is so beaufiful. You should really write a book about your journey someday, you write very well. We miss you here in CA, even though leaving Kaz will be bittersweet. Can't wait to see you all soon. It feels like you've been gone a long time, but it's also gone by really quick!
Sam, Ryan, and Gabby